Not safe yet, dammit

So, just when you thought it was safe 'to get back in the water' and start sorting out what has become of my life we realise that the frequent peeing has been caused by painkillers offending my kidneys. As you can imagine I swiftly stopped, a mistake of course, and spent the evening just gone with restless legs, insomnia, cold and hot sweats and weird waking night terrors in response to whenever I had an itch (I had a lot). I spent almost five hours struggling to sleep before I finally opened up to my partner after steering clear because I had felt the oncoming episode earlier in the day and did not want to worry him. After another hour of tears and then one of talking I took a painkiller to cease the withdrawal and settled down to sleep. I cannot express the hell that last night was, trapped inside a body I had little if any control of. I also cannot express the awe I feel for all drug addicts who have wadded through that valley of hell and emerged triumphant. Those people are amazing and their perseverance something to be admired. I thought I could handle my shit and maybe it was just the last nail in the coffin but those few hours had my mind slipping to the darkest places where the only escape was the stupidity of death. But I spoke about it, I took a painkiller and I am planning to ease myself away from the meds, gradually. I have to avoid feeling like that again, I have to.

On a lighter note I have ordered the book High Rise by J G Ballard and I have no noticeable illnesses beyond my conditions to concern myself with. Of course they have their wandering symptoms provoked by treatment of original symptoms and of course that sucks but what can you do?

I have also started writing notes in one of my notebooks for one of my two head-stuck ideas for Knott. So it is not all that bad.

MY tablet is playing up so only a little post today. Enjoy this random pic and all the best in health and life to you if you are actually out there and do read this ramble.

PEACE ✨✨✨