Lady pain

Three days into the new year and the pain is relentless, drifting in and out of an intensity I cannot describe, ever there, never merciful. I guess I should explain myself and as mentioned previously whether you read or not I have noted that I suffer from endometriosis, and it is suffer.

It all began around last May when a pain began in my side that gradually worsened over the months leading to two a&e visits, countless doctors appointments and the eventual exploratory surgery to discover the cause. What the doctors found was endometriosis and although known and plastered off it was no more than 48 hours before the pain began again and instead of fading and leaving, it never left me again.

Months later with method of hormonal contraception changed from pill to needle I find myself in a position of sufficient self hatred to triple the number of episodes I now experience and the constant anxiety that I will not only lose a job I have dreamed of for years but also the man I love and live with simply by keeping him in a permanent state of concern for my wellbeing. Although I have suffered various pains and experiences I have not experienced the hell of watching on helplessly as a person I love suffers endlessly in ways I cannot fathom. I can only imagine the anguish he feels and thus through guilt I find my love of him turned against me by my own miswired mind.

I speak to him often and openly about my moods and fears regarding all things, not just my health, and despite my lingering disbelief in such kindness being true, he not only helps me but accepts me, juke-box-brain and all.

For anyone suffering from this condition which, in my own opinion, makes period cramps look like a flick on the arm, I can recommend only heat against the worst area, regular and open conversations with your health professional, someone who you can be open with without feeling like a drama queen and a lot of rest. Of course I am not medical expert or expert of any kind but if that advice should help even one person I consider it worth my time and worth yours should you be reading.

The main issue with the pain, beyond the physical, is the way it sinks into your life, slinking from on aspect to another before planning your day becomes impossible against the likelihood of a 'bad day'. The worst parts are the restriction, the frustration at simple gestures becoming as delicate as a spinal tap. It begins to feel like an enemy within, each day a battle of blood and gore against body and mind. I admit now I felt held hostage, helpless at first and too overcome by the diagnosis to care to try and fight yet another condition for what could possibly be the rest of my life. It was hard and remains hard still to get out of bed, to try for a walk but even the smallest act is a victory you must allow yourself. The main issue with this was my own head and I advise anyone experiencing this condition to consider the possibility of finding someone to speak to, not about history or the weather, well, not just those things but someone with whom you can unload the thoughts that spread as easy as that misplaced gore within.

I guess this has been a particularly focused ramble and should you find no interest in this subject I offer the minimal response to remain polite. Of course I have bias but it is a condition that afflicts a great number of people and although not lethal, it is a horror I would wish upon no one.

If you want to know more just go to Google and search endometriosis, I did the same beyond my doctor's words. In later posts I will explain the painkiller issue I personally find due to a history of injury, operations and a little smoke here and there.

For now, peace to all.

Don't let the gore get you down.


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