With sad honesty I can now speak freely of what I could not mention in the last post. At my last doctor's appointment I was advised to go on disability and handed in my resignation via email for a job I have been unable to really start at all since taking it. The advice was to say frankly, not what I wanted to hear but the likelihood of my doctor informing me that my endometriosis had vanished and would never return was somewhat unlikely. He has no idea how long I will suffer but we spoke of options and the possibility of a pain clinic which summons visions of eventual drug addiction to add onto the list of health problems. It's terrifying, the application for disability is confusing and I don't want to become 'one of those' people but after talking to my partner and friends I am reminded of the grim bloody truth, I am unable to work, I can barely move... I'm not 'one of those' people even if I constantly feel guilty about my own inability to do much of anything. It's depressing for sure as proven by the growing regularity of down spells and the doubling of my antidepressants. It is grim news but with my partner's help I am planning to keep my mind busy with hobbies old and new and the slow education into things I have never had time to study but always wanted to. It sounds almost pleasant but my incapacity weighs on me as relentlessly as the pain that never fully leaves but only rises in extremity. It is grim but what can you do?
Apologies for the melancholy but I shall drift away from the grey and into the glittery. Preparations for Sam's birthday surprise are stressing me out a little due to things having not yet arrived but besides that I am as excited as if it were my own. We went to ASDA the other day after another doc appointment to pick up meds and Sam picked out a batman symbol birthday cake before later guessing that I have organised party bags, that is all he knows. He's also opened two presents already, star wars electric tooth brush and Captain Phasma pop vinyl figure but what can I say man? I'm excited to show him how much he means to me via a variety of things, not just presents.
As some may know from some description somewhere I am fond of reviewing horror films and used to do so with a regularity that could never be predicted. However, recently I received an email from a gentleman admin from one of the sites I used to post on who was wondering why I had not posted recently and told me he liked my profile. Now of course I'm sure they do this to a lot of the writers on the site but regardless it made me feel more confident about my writing and inspired me to get back into not only that, but my life in its entirety. Now, how does one get back into one's life I perhaps hear anyone who might read this ramble asking. I make lists, lists of what I plan to do in the day and to be honest it has actually bloody worked. I dislike being one of those 'you can do it!' asshats who scream positive slogans into the faces of depressed people somehow thinking one can simply will away mental illness, because you really cannot do that... But, each case of mental illness is individual and for me, putting myself under a time constraint and the pressure to get stuff done seems to work. Of course sometimes not everything gets done but then it goes onto the next day's list and I do the majority ok? Don't judge, I have little self discipline and this is a big thing for me.
I guess, the main weight to offload today has already been spoken of as at the age of 26 my hopes of a career at my old university in my dream job just is never going to materialise beyond those few days I managed and that such other pipedreams of a normal life will go the same way. I'm happy though, I am but denying the grey cloud hovering over my womb would be silly so I try to keep my mind elsewhere and I have some pretty cool people in my life who help.
In closing, life gets tough but it also gets good just to sound utterly cliché, but for example if you enjoy the small things like a book arriving and ignore the late delivery of other orders with the help of company and Netflix, things can turn pretty bright. And thankfully, I'm easy to distract; the pain killers help, animals too.
P.S. I found out that people aware of endometriosis may read this, so if you're a sufferer I am there with you and we are kick ass warrior spirits battling the bullshit roll of the dice.
Also... Ash Vs Evil is a hilarious and bloody goretastic show that I find really helps but it will not be to all tastes. Please feel free to judge your interest in it via the above pic.
Health and Happiness to all ✨✨✨
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