I'm sorry for such a long wait between posts even if it is a blog that gets read most probably by myself. If you do read however I extend my apologies to you.
I finished reading Odd Thomas' last book and have also just finished Frankenstein and have moved onto the second in The Mortal Instruments books. I've also watched more x-files after having paused several years at season six. It is great and somehow it has awoken in me a muse I have not seen for many a year. When I watch it with notes open on my phone words flow from me without hesitation and form a tale I have wished to write for an age.
The tale in question is one of my art project and fictional town, the work amassed before this inspiration was okay at best but since watching that programme some sort of hope has welled inside me, feeding my confidence to continue, to pursue the ends of tales I've only dreamt of and haphazardly pondered. A map has been made and a list of characters with surnames has begun and shortly after that the story started, fingers driven by the subconscious, perhaps by the tale itself in a demand to live. I think it is fairly telling that I have just read Frankenstein and I do not ignore that my conquest of three books this year alone most definitely plays a role in this creative rejuvenation.
I do however admit that things have weighed upon me and that is the reason behind my absence. Forms for DWP matters had to be filled in and the paperwork they require shall be sent of soon, I've been changed onto a stronger painkiller that has yet to have been collected (due to my own rush to get out the house, subsequent forgetting of the prescription and a sleeping pattern that appears to remain a sanctuary from pain). I have also been contemplating the matters of my recent assault and have found myself needing answers from the friend I lost that night. I have been told via a third party that he will answer questions I have sent to him and can only hope that this will bring some sort of closure to an incident which appears to haunt me. My anxiety regarding it, for I can distinguish my usual from this brand, had me in tears of terror and shaking before attending a doctor's appointment because the medical centre is somewhere near where I could run into this person. It was ridiculous to me to suddenly fear someone I had appeared to forgive and although I think I have I believe my mind refuses to let go of the harsh facts: this person hurt me and even though we care for them we must not be lulled back into their lives. I think my mind is attempting to protect itself and I am aware of the thousands of other things this anxiety could be and agree that yes, my current condition could have assisted.
On a lighter note I showered after days of avoidance because simply put, showering gives me too much time alone where there is nothing to do but think and my mind is not the sort that I feel safe being alone with when it wanders...
Of course I do not mean I contemplate death on the regular and indeed have not thought seriously on it for over a year and a half, excluding a pain induced delirium where the painkillers weren't working and withdrawal crept in. I told my doctor about the withdrawal, not the sudden burst of despair, and he insists I cease the tramadol once I begin the morphine... yes, he gave me a stronger drug that should I get addicted to may destroy whatever sense I have left when I try to escape its hold.
It seems in reading this that life may be bad but despite the grey cloud that hovers about my mind, chasing the communications of synapses and dripping into flesh where it festers I am disgustingly happy. I do not wish to boast but my greatest aid has been another whose presence and care has steadied me when I've come close to losing hold. He has readied me as if an officer in a guard dedicated against that great beast of misery. I have become stronger with his help, strategizing, learning and fighting with whatever helps. Sometimes it is frozen chocolate fingers, sometimes a hug with my two favourite boys and sometimes it is the near forcible ejection of me from the house for fresh air.
It isn't easy but it is possible. I'm hopeful that the morphine will cut through this pain and give me back my life. I know I've lost my job but another can be found and I would swap the concerns of a job for this pain which keeps me from normality in almost every sense.
A strange addition to this week was the Snapchat of a friend whom I once felt a little too much for. Yes I once cried in the tub because I wanted him to want me as my then fiancé did but as time passed and most importantly, as I became who I am today I realised he was not someone to desire. He's handsome yes but so are many others and despite care for him obtained through sporadic conversations of serious matters I find it now to be a care without attraction. I can see his good points but whatever I felt as a young girl entranced by stoic seemingly loveless men, is gone. I have grown up and I have found the sort of happiness no cynic could ever hope to find. I feel sorry for him, for his cold look of the world where facts are of great importance and emotions are something not to express for I suspect like every person he does feel. Perhaps I hoped that I may change him by showing him how to fight the cold darkness of the world by focusing elsewhere and perhaps it was merely a crush of a trapped young woman which swiftly spurred her into action. I surely owe my happiness in part to him for without his dry and painfully blunt observations of my life I may have stayed hiding from the world forever.
I may meet up with him when I visit my mother but I do not forget that this is a man who has been willingly cruel and inappropriate in suggestion in the past. He says he has changed but I suspect he would laugh and jest at this blog amongst a great number of things in my life and I have no wish to wallow in such company. The human mind is a mystery as are each and every person on this planet in their own way but I know, though he says he has changed, I may end up attending his company for a moment before having to excuse myself for my wellbeing. Whether I am soft or not, for I have become more free with my emotions thanks to good friends, I do not know but I'm happy at a time in my life where happiness could easily be perceived as a miracle. I'd rather not test that but I stay hopeful. We shall see.
I leave you with a song I find compelling in matters of peace and creativity which I happened upon in an x-files episode called Closure. It is divine.
Click Here
And a picture for kicks
Peace of mind to all and happy days throughout
✨✨✨
image found:
http://s9.favim.com/orig/130721/cat-kawaii-pastel-pastel-grunge-pink-Favim.com-792669.jpg
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