Not safe yet, dammit

So, just when you thought it was safe 'to get back in the water' and start sorting out what has become of my life we realise that the frequent peeing has been caused by painkillers offending my kidneys. As you can imagine I swiftly stopped, a mistake of course, and spent the evening just gone with restless legs, insomnia, cold and hot sweats and weird waking night terrors in response to whenever I had an itch (I had a lot). I spent almost five hours struggling to sleep before I finally opened up to my partner after steering clear because I had felt the oncoming episode earlier in the day and did not want to worry him. After another hour of tears and then one of talking I took a painkiller to cease the withdrawal and settled down to sleep. I cannot express the hell that last night was, trapped inside a body I had little if any control of. I also cannot express the awe I feel for all drug addicts who have wadded through that valley of hell and emerged triumphant. Those people are amazing and their perseverance something to be admired. I thought I could handle my shit and maybe it was just the last nail in the coffin but those few hours had my mind slipping to the darkest places where the only escape was the stupidity of death. But I spoke about it, I took a painkiller and I am planning to ease myself away from the meds, gradually. I have to avoid feeling like that again, I have to.

On a lighter note I have ordered the book High Rise by J G Ballard and I have no noticeable illnesses beyond my conditions to concern myself with. Of course they have their wandering symptoms provoked by treatment of original symptoms and of course that sucks but what can you do?

I have also started writing notes in one of my notebooks for one of my two head-stuck ideas for Knott. So it is not all that bad.

MY tablet is playing up so only a little post today. Enjoy this random pic and all the best in health and life to you if you are actually out there and do read this ramble.

PEACE ✨✨✨

The cake is a flop, a soggy flop

As we sit here and speak I am awaiting the drying out of a banana cake I haphazardly made whilst in a painkiller haze of food cravings. I added an ingredient I should not have, banana cakes do not need more moisture, and I also left out the baking powder so... the cake has been cooking for a fair while now with foil on top after the allocated baking time ensured everything was baked but not free of excess moisture. At least it is a lighter topic than the last which I doubt shall be coming up again unless someone else were to bring it up. You may also have noticed the addition of a heading picture which I have decided to add as a 'thing' to each post because I am a very visual person so I would prefer a larger amount of pictures than I have had already which is a pitiful few at best. Plus, it brings a smile, to me anyway.

Moving on, my purse finally arrived and after realising I am living on borrowed money (overdraft) I went to poundland to buy myself some long term treats that would help keep the spirits up. I went for fizzy drink cans (I have cut down after being a junkie to the stuff), chocolate fingers for the freezer along with two notebooks and a ring I have already misplaced but will share with you once I find it as I continue the façade that someone both reads this blog and enjoys doing so. If you do, thumbs up to you from Lola Hq.

The purse & notebooks, cute yes? Yes.

The banana cake is a flop, I shall repeat the recipe tomorrow and share the results. Let experimenting with recipes we knew off by heart as a child and have now forgotten begin! Maybe I should use twitter more, share some of what people have referred to as 'funny things' I say. I'm wary, I understand if you are too. A failing twitter is a badge of honour no one wants but I've never really thought of it, what is a failing twitter? All I want to use it for is to entertain the friends I have by sharing my hopefully witty imaginings. Who knows where that will go. Hmmm, hmmm indeed.

The cake is a failure and the internet is being moody, maybe it has begun to learn from me.

The idea behind the notebooks is that they will be allocated to the small short stories I have begun to store in my head and although I have yet to use them they are working, things on my lists and the ever present pain tend to get in the way as nothing helps writer's block like crippling pain. Yes, it has been pretty bad recently and my need to pee has become likened to what I imagine pregnant women suffer from. And yes, like a lot of people, despite the guarantee I am not with child a small fear resides in my head, burrowed just behind the ear.

I guess this post is just a small update with the assurance that not all of my rambling will be miserable and serious, just in case you are actually there in which case Hi, nice to see you.

It has been an okay day, I finished watching Wolf of Wall Street early this morning and watched the second maze runner film today, both good and worth a peek and a worthy excuse for not completing more on my list like write, do art or keep cleaning instead of just the washing up and bins. The cake was a flop but the day doesn't have to be. Insert cliché saying here.

Peace and handshakes to all ✨✨✨

Warning, heavy shit here

Prior warning this is going to get a little dark so trigger warnings but it isn't going to start that way. I apologise for typos but for not wanting to reread certain parts of this post there will surely be errors.

I can say at last my leather face finally arrived! And I took a photo to share with the world including your lovely selves whoever you may be if you are in fact really there.

moviepilot.com/misslola

There we go, the chainsaw wielding cutie himself. As I had promised myself and may have mentioned (my memory has a habit of failing) I posted my review of the original film The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) but I doubt it will make me as proud as my Ash Vs Evil Dead post which has seemingly been welcomed by fans of the franchise. Maybe they just like that I adored it or maybe they like my writing, I doubt it is the latter but who cares right? I don't feel as if I'm just throwing my words into the abyss and recently that is becoming very very important. The down spells are getting harder to fight and harder to notice before they've enveloped me and I need dragging out.

On the book challenge front I have finished Saint Odd, the last book in the Odd Thomas series and it is that shall bring me into discussions of more sensitive matters. The book lacked some of the glory of the other books however there was a scene where physiological shock is described and I realised that it was shock that I felt in September and my friends were not just exaggerating or simply wrong. This is where the trigger warning will be given again and in the next paragraph the explanation of this matter shall continue. I shall put trigger things in italics so it can be avoided.

I have been assaulted twice as an adult and the second happened Christmas 2014 in the house I shared with five friends. Now I had not been a good person, I had involved myself sexually with one of those friends who happened to have a girlfriend as I always felt some strange draw to him that has since ceased. It was this friend who assaulted me, someone I cared for and still care for attacked me whilst drunk in my own bedroom after head- butting a hole in my wall and going on about his girlfriend. We were talking, we had just had our house pizza Christmas party where secret Santa gifts had been exchanged, he had gotten me vodka and cookie dough ice cream, I disliked the ice cream but the vodka was gladly welcomed as I self medicated my way through misery, guilt and being unloved. We were both drunk and he with guilt says he cannot remember but I can and have begun to remember more clearly, most clearly in September. I guess I am rambling a bit but I have never really talked about it so I am sorry if it is as pathetic as I suspect. If it helps it all comes without self pity. To continue, after the event, as soon as I could get away from him I ran from my room in tears that had begun just before my face was buried in my pillow. He got himself to the doorway before collapsing whilst I jumped in the shower washing away blood I did not wish to see and warmed my body until the physical pain stopped. Some part of this had woken another flat mate and as he came upstairs I remained in the bathroom listening and hiding behind the noise of the shower. I got to my room eventually, stepped over the slumbering drunk and went to bed before texting a friend and passing out scrunched up on the part of my bed where it had not happened. The next day one of my friends and housemates noticed the oddity of my mood and pain that I explained as mysterious, painfully aware each time I hinted, praying that someone would guess and ask but they didn't. Not for a while.

When it finally began to get out, after telling the man himself the morning after and advising him how to cope I persuaded myself I was ok. It had happened before and although I locked myself away for days when it first happened I could cope now. Been there, done that. I continued to drink and indulge in substances no one should become friends with, I spoke about it casually at times or in whispers that always warned of tears to come. Friends were told, I was blunt, honest, open. I was ok and I would get him help, I would make sure he got help and then we could act like it never happen. I defended him to my friends and then, months later, after meeting Sam I moved in with him away from the house and room and bed where it happened, away from my friend who I still cared for and friends I had fallen out with for doing so. I would cry now and then if I dwelt but I rarely if ever did, I told myself I got what I wanted after having a strange fascination with the guy for months and helping him cheat. I had blown him willingly on times before so this was just a misunderstanding despite my clear recollection of my voice repeating no, his silence and tears. I was for all purposes doing alright, only occasionally not wishing to be touched but I put that down to a multitude of things and moved on with my life. Sam knew and we bumped into him at a mutual friend's BBQ where I curled into Sam after hugging and greeting the guy who had hurt me as if nothing happened. I was ok but when a friend from the same shared house moved in with Sam and I I did not want he who shan't be named helping, he could not come here, to my home, my safe space he had never reached. That was natural, I was coping but months later during an internship and my old unit and his current unit I was working one day when I saw him during a meeting and he saw me and it all changed. I felt dizzy, cold, sweaty, I couldn't breathe as shivers erupted and I shuffled on the spot to disguise whatever it was from others. I could barely describe it but put it down as an intense panic attack until I discussed it with others... they told me it was shock and it was only then that I realised I was not ok. He had simply been somewhere I did not expect and I had to vaguely make my excuses to my boss before rushing home to Sam who I was already desperately texting. It was a sense of vulnerability like I've never known, terrified and out in London, moving among crowds who could be like him... I admit now it may be the cause for my new discomfort in crowds and how quickly I notice men watching me, I assess possible threats now and throw my experience's energy into distractions.

This is the most I've ever said about it and I'm sorry but I felt the need to get it out. I do and don't regret every action and inaction. I blame myself still as a thing of fact not opinion and I blurt it out on occasion for reasons I'm unsure of even now. I still care about him but I hope people realise how common sexual assault is all over the world. I'm only twenty six and I was assaulted as a child before experiencing the later incidents. I think about whether I'm just an easy victim and the thought embarrasses me as much as the recognition of what my fascination with that friend had been before that night. He reminded me of E, the boy who had introduced me to the world of sexual practices and quite possibly twisted me forever (it is part of the reason behind my diagnosis shift from bipolar to borderline personality disorder) because I don't hate him even now and never did, remembering several years ago thru things I had repressed I felt a strange specialness even now. He had never caused me pain despite the things he did and no matter how inappropriate my friend acted towards me I felt special, interesting, worth the attention of people who were superior to me. It's so ducked up I know but Tada. A lot of my recovery (if that's what you call it) is down to Sam who has shown me so much including that love doesn't hurt and doesn't need fights. It is cliché but so there, it is the truth. 

Sam is now concerned due to the state of my mood whilst writing this but I told him he would understand should he read the post but I don't blame him if he doesn't get this far.

In general news the pain has been horrific but this injection contraception has caused my periods to cease apparently so hell to the yes there. Money is now the fresh issue as it so often the background one too and despite my lack of job and current help from the government due to forms remaining incomplete (I don't have all the details I need yet) I am determined to get to America this summer after planning with Sam and Pj that we would go. One got help for the trip which I told my mother in recognition of my grandfather's lack of interest in my help and she has stupidly and wonderfully put aside money for the trip despite me already owing her s great deal not only in cash but well... anything. You know how it is, she's been an amazing single mother and I will forever owe her. To help myself I will be asking for donations for handmade things such as art or jewellery so keep an eye out if you're interested.

I guess for now farewell, sorry for the purge confession ramble. I hope you're all happy, healthy and safe wherever you may be and if you suffer endometriosis too, you're a badass, trust me, this thing is hell.

✨✨✨

P.S. a song that has really helped regarding this issue and the person without name is

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWZGAExj-es

Sia, Elastic Heart.

Also if you're one my acquaintances or friends and did not know I apologise for the lack of explanation for my behaviour if I have acted secretive. 

Something new this way comes

So... David Bowie and Alan Rickman died, Sam's birthday plans fell through, I finished my book and Ash Vs Evil, began to post some reviews and slowly attempted to take some control of my life; even if that did result in being dragged around the streets by a dog for forty five minutes in the freezing cold. It has been a peculiar few days.

As I sit here on the couch I can feel the pain rising as the evening closes in and I can think of a thousand things to write but no ideas how to transfer any from thought to word. My mind is hazy, the heat in the lounge comforting but part of the problem that is the temptation of an early night in a bed heated via electric blanket where I can read the second book on my challenge list. With that said the first book from the challenge I displayed in another post was Pet Sematary by Stephen King, a book published before I was born and sadly cannot say outdid the film that followed, possibly because I saw the film first. That said, the film did not stir the same fear that the book managed however I put that down to a weakness to reading matters of horror rather than seeing them. Perhaps I'll test the theory and get an audiobook to assess its threat to my calm. More on that later possibly.

The last in the Odd Thomas series by Dean Koontz is my book of choice for a book published this year but I am doing 2015 as 2016 has barely begun. After starting it I am already quarter of the way through so hopefully I will finish soon and be able to plough my way further through the challenge list. So far so good with it anyway, it seems a little better than others in the collection.

Although I will be posting a review of Ash Vs The Evil Dead on moviepilot.com/misslola soon I will say that if you are a fan of The Evil Dead, gore, Bruce Campbell or horror you should give this series a try. It has given me a sense of joy I suspect I used to feel before birthdays and Christmases. It is able to lift my foul moods with its dark comedy and distract me from whatever anxieties linger that day. I'm not saying it is a cure or that it will even do for you what it did for me but just give it a go, I dare ya!
(Yes, please read crazy excited tone in the last sentence.)



Because we have essentially been given around 2 months notice on our flat we have to move but in doing so, I will finally be able to get a cat to keep Winston company when we are out and cuddle me when I'm feeling too fragile for any other affection. Times like that are hard enough right now where every touch hurts rendering me unhuggable to my partner. And yes, the cat picture is in celebration of the cat to come and something for me to help focus my hopes and hide from the bad thoughts. I'm excited, could you guess?

In closing I shall leave another shameless plug of my reviews and lists regarding horror greats here:
http://moviepilot.com/misslola
I wish you all well in your endeavours and health in each day.

My boss kindly accepted my resignation.

Goodnight ✨✨✨

Drumroll please...

With sad honesty I can now speak freely of what I could not mention in the last post. At my last doctor's appointment I was advised to go on disability and handed in my resignation via email for a job I have been unable to really start at all since taking it. The advice was to say frankly, not what I wanted to hear but the likelihood of my doctor informing me that my endometriosis had vanished and would never return was somewhat unlikely. He has no idea how long I will suffer but we spoke of options and the possibility of a pain clinic which summons visions of eventual drug addiction to add onto the list of health problems. It's terrifying, the application for disability is confusing and I don't want to become 'one of those' people but after talking to my partner and friends I am reminded of the grim bloody truth, I am unable to work, I can barely move... I'm not 'one of those' people even if I constantly feel guilty about my own inability to do much of anything. It's depressing for sure as proven by the growing regularity of down spells and the doubling of my antidepressants. It is grim news but with my partner's help I am planning to keep my mind busy with hobbies old and new and the slow education into things I have never had time to study but always wanted to. It sounds almost pleasant but my incapacity weighs on me as relentlessly as the pain that never fully leaves but only rises in extremity. It is grim but what can you do?

Apologies for the melancholy but I shall drift away from the grey and into the glittery. Preparations for Sam's birthday surprise are stressing me out a little due to things having not yet arrived but besides that I am as excited as if it were my own. We went to ASDA the other day after another doc appointment to pick up meds and Sam picked out a batman symbol birthday cake before later guessing that I have organised party bags, that is all he knows. He's also opened two presents already, star wars electric tooth brush and Captain Phasma pop vinyl figure but what can I say man? I'm excited to show him how much he means to me via a variety of things, not just presents.

As some may know from some description somewhere I am fond of reviewing horror films and used to do so with a regularity that could never be predicted. However, recently I received an email from a gentleman admin from one of the sites I used to post on who was wondering why I had not posted recently and told me he liked my profile. Now of course I'm sure they do this to a lot of the writers on the site but regardless it made me feel more confident about my writing and inspired me to get back into not only that, but my life in its entirety. Now, how does one get back into one's life I perhaps hear anyone who might read this ramble asking. I make lists, lists of what I plan to do in the day and to be honest it has actually bloody worked. I dislike being one of those 'you can do it!' asshats who scream positive slogans into the faces of depressed people somehow thinking one can simply will away mental illness, because you really cannot do that... But, each case of mental illness is individual and for me, putting myself under a time constraint and the pressure to get stuff done seems to work. Of course sometimes not everything gets done but then it goes onto the next day's list and I do the majority ok? Don't judge, I have little self discipline and this is a big thing for me.

I guess, the main weight to offload today has already been spoken of as at the age of 26 my hopes of a career at my old university in my dream job just is never going to materialise beyond those few days I managed and that such other pipedreams of a normal life will go the same way. I'm happy though, I am but denying the grey cloud hovering over my womb would be silly so I try to keep my mind elsewhere and I have some pretty cool people in my life who help.

In closing, life gets tough but it also gets good just to sound utterly cliché, but for example if you enjoy the small things like a book arriving and ignore the late delivery of other orders with the help of company and Netflix, things can turn pretty bright. And thankfully, I'm easy to distract; the pain killers help, animals too.

P.S. I found out that people aware of endometriosis may read this, so if you're a sufferer I am there with you and we are kick ass warrior spirits battling the bullshit roll of the dice.

Also... Ash Vs Evil is a hilarious and bloody goretastic show that I find really helps but it will not be to all tastes. Please feel free to judge your interest in it via the above pic.

Health and Happiness to all ✨✨✨

Death of a holiday

When I last left you I stumbled by accident upon the return of teen wolf and swiftly dived straight in as if no time had passed at all. It was an average episode but a character returned who was, much to my disappointment, not the character I wished to see. However despite that jaunt down memory lane my mind and life has been somewhat in action so prepare yourself for a ramble worthy of the biggest time thieves in history. Strap in tight. Snuggle down and get comfortable, it is going to be a poorly planned and haphazard ride even though I have started keeping notes on what to post.

The following information will have little order and most assuredly did not happen in the order of which they are mentioned. For your viewing pleasure I have also begun to collect images to inject some sparkle to the blog so yay, I hope.

I'd like to begin by asking anyone for advice or links regarding helping the refugees from Syria as each time I see them on the news I am struck by an insistent need to do something, to try and help and it has settled inside me for good. We cannot let these people suffer unduly simply because certain newspapers insinuate their intentions are malicious or because we have our own problems. Everyone has problems and we should help people wherever and however we can so please message or comment with information on how I can arrange a clothes and food donation or drive. Love your fellow earthlings be they from your land or not. Everyone matters, you, them and even that brat who bullied you in primary school. Rock on with fresh positivity for 2016 and kick the ass of misery! Together we shall overcome the negative blights of our lives and come closer as comrades. It's worth it, trust.

After a bit of a break for the third of only four smokes (cutting back) whilst watching the beginning of Ash Vs Evil Dead (I'll give my opinion later) I return with varied tales in ramble form.

So as I've mentioned before my partner's birthday is coming up and after going to the shop for supplies I was reminded of a friend from University who I have slowly lost contact with despite remaining friends and on one another's Facebook. It was a moment of strange nostalgia which has stayed with me and though I doubt he reads this or we keep in better touch I miss living near him because we did hang out. Today I had a McDonald's which I consider my salute to him and our friendship which began in our first year at university after an 'advert' on tumblr for anyone who would be attending UEL with me. He was and most likely remains awesome.

In other news along with beginning the new series Ash Vs Evil Dead, AHS has returned and remains entertaining despite the disappointment of other seasons. I also started Brooklyn Nine-Nine and swiftly shared such a joyous discovery with Sam so we are now wading through that show together. We're currently on season two thanks to Netflix and despite my excitement to begin new seasons of other shows we watch together I am in no way less happy to watch that show which fills me with such merriment.

With talk of sharing with Sam we are also both participating in a reading challenge I found on Facebook.

As you can see it offers variety and I am currently reading Pet Sematary by Stephen King as the book published before the year of my birth. I have a few ideas for each book but until I get there I cannot guess where this challenge may take me. In addition to this being s new year challenge I am using it to keep my mental health buoyant due to the recent doctor's visit (I have another next Monday) however if you have read my prior posts a small plan involved in mission busy mind was cancelled due to bad weather. My father called before I left the flats to meet him for our spooky shop to advise against it until the weather improves but agreed that I should still so visit I did. It was not the plans I expected but it turned out more than well with late Christmas presents (t-shirt mentioning fairies, unicorns and mermaids, money and a box of roses, the big round kind of box), catching up and a fine catch of family photos which I am contemplating uploading to share with the world along with the tales of my family. It was amazing to see my family members so young and I hope most of them will find a home on the wall with my other photos which keep homesickness at bay. The visit helped with that more of course and as usual I received the best hugs from my fad, step mum and their youngest cat Freyja who is the fluffiest thing in creation since getting her winter coat. To insinuate any disappointment lingering after the visit would be to lie as even as I left and bought cigarettes on the way home I received a compliment from the female cashier about my hair. How can it be anything but an amazing day with hugs, presents and compliments? It helped a lot too due to the currently horrific state of my skin due to my inability to access fresh air very often.

In closing the pain is still there and sleep has once again proven itself useful as I battle through depression with Sam helping more than I can describe. I'm worried more about my granddad  (who has apparently lost a great deal of weight) and one of my best friends who suffers under poor mental health as she struggles the many minefields laid out for young single artists. Neither deserve the suffering they have and continue to endure but to lose either would surely destroy some part of my heart forever. I've never had a friend like her, she makes me understand why girls call one another sisters and as for my granddad he although distant due to my growing up out of London has remained the most generous, kind and caring grandfather I've known. For background info he is my father's father and  I met my friend in my second year of uni during her first so incision to the hardships of life she currently carves her way through the difficulties of third year studies. I love them both man and though I don't want to leave it once again on a sour note I can say in all honesty my new socks bring me strange excited joy and if this weather gets any colder I may permanently attach my slippers to my feet, haha, insert your laughter here at such a humorous image.

I guess I just want to say hello to anyone reading too and apologise for the jukebox shuffle topics of my mind. Should you want me to go into any topic I've mentioned before feel free to message or comment and say, suggestions are welcome. Sharing is caring right?

image found on Google, studentnewsdaily.com

Health and happiness to all the freaky and non freaky darlings.

P.S. I may discuss the assaults in Germany soon so I shall put trigger warnings should I do so.

Peace.

✨✨✨

And then there was a day out

Pain was where we left things and so related subjects should go next, right? I'm going with right.

On Monday I went to visit my doctor regarding my condition and to say it went well would be something of a lie, albeit only a slight diet-coke lie. I am to chase up specialists and should improvement appear impossible I shall be referred to a pain clinic. Other things, related to the pain, were discussed yet due to their nature being somewhat fragile I cannot speak of them yet, all I can say is best wishes are gladly taken and good luck most surely desired. For now the tramadol four times a day remains my friend and my antidepressant dose has been doubled meaning more food for me. FYI, I lost my appetite beyond nerds, Ribena and warm rolls with butter.

Having left the appointment with my better half a spell of tears was fought off with a well needed hug and previous plans of a lunch out (a reward to self for going to the doctor's despite great anxiety) were out into action. Thirty minutes later I found myself in a place that smelt more of public toilet floor than O2 Greenwich restaurant. This was of course not the case for the entire place but the back half off the too floor where I suspect the smell is endured for the sake of guiding customers to the privacy they seek. The service was okay, downgraded from rude after noticing the fact our waitress was then only waitress in the place and the food as expected beyond the use of whole tomatoes on bruscetta. I shan't name the franchise but within my circles it is known for poor treatment of their staff so perhaps that may help you figure out, should you want to.

Returning home after an enjoyable time alone with one another a discussion had across food drove me into mental action. I was going to look on the bright side of my predicament and begin to indulge myself in the interests and hobbies abandoned for studies and work. I ordered a book on crystals and one on Romani history, I bought and further planned my other half's birthday on the 19th. I treated myself to a horror pop figurine which I shall photograph and post soon with film review attached. I lost myself in my mind and reached out to friends who had followed their interests more loyally than myself. Books were recommended and a knitting trio arranged, I plan to learn as part of 2016's aims and one of those trio has been kind enough to offer to teach me. I began to realise that I could fight my depression (which worsens pain according to my doctor) by reaching out into the world instead of merely hiding and allowing an anxious nature to control me. Whether reading or meeting friends I would focus on the positive and deny the misery of being bedridden by pain. Of course there will be days I can do little if anything at all, today being one of them, and I have had to rearrange the first meet of Knit Year (the name of fb chat group I made) but I managed to arrange my partner's birthday further, write this blog, spend time with our little fur ball and have bacon sandwiches with Sam whilst re-watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine as he has not seen it yet. One of his present's arrived too and has joined the giant cardboard box as unwrapped temptation until I get time to wrap where Sam will not walk in. With that said, I turned spy for my party planning partner in crime whilst the birthday boy to be slept with the pup. Most amusing albeit difficult to curl around a dog without waking him or cooking myself. As I know he will read this I ask him not to contemplate where my mission sent me.

I guess these last few days have been altogether strange but I have to admit I have yet to accept the information I am attempting to avoid, the thing I cannot speak of yet.

I'm nervous about his birthday surprise, that my mood will make me snap if something is said that I find offensive but I know I can bite my tongue and remain happy to linger. I'm mainly nervous that he will not enjoy it for unlike a party for me I cannot simply throw glitter and sparkly things around which reminds me we have to take down all the Christmas stuff. Ah, effort.

Sam is being painfully helpful and bending over backwards to insist I rest which means I shall have to act covertly on certain matters and not complain or insist I help when I see him stressed and rushed doing things that a healthy pain free Lola could do. We are slowly coming to an arrangement on what I can in the house however and I am meeting my father tomorrow for a day of book and spook shopping (spook referring to my now honest interest in spirituality, crystals, the paranormal etc) so that shall surely wear me out and send me straight to the couch when I return home. I am looking for ward to it though, I've found as I've grown up I've missed spending time with my parents more as if I have begun to regress which would quite honestly not surprise me, a little regression can be comforting.

In ending I thought I would leave links for anyone wondering what endometriosis is and for anyone suffering from it who happens to read my drabble and wants to know more.

http://www.endometriosis-consultant.co.uk/

Tada.

In guilt for the misery of some of my content I thought I would share my favourite animal with you. I saw some for the first time in Amsterdam and came out just as we approached the second time, it was a very special moment. I wish you all a lifetime of those moments but for now farewell.

P.S. watch BBC's And then there were none, it was superb and I shall most certainly be seeking it as a purchase.

Peace to all.

✨✨✨

Lady pain

Three days into the new year and the pain is relentless, drifting in and out of an intensity I cannot describe, ever there, never merciful. I guess I should explain myself and as mentioned previously whether you read or not I have noted that I suffer from endometriosis, and it is suffer.

It all began around last May when a pain began in my side that gradually worsened over the months leading to two a&e visits, countless doctors appointments and the eventual exploratory surgery to discover the cause. What the doctors found was endometriosis and although known and plastered off it was no more than 48 hours before the pain began again and instead of fading and leaving, it never left me again.

Months later with method of hormonal contraception changed from pill to needle I find myself in a position of sufficient self hatred to triple the number of episodes I now experience and the constant anxiety that I will not only lose a job I have dreamed of for years but also the man I love and live with simply by keeping him in a permanent state of concern for my wellbeing. Although I have suffered various pains and experiences I have not experienced the hell of watching on helplessly as a person I love suffers endlessly in ways I cannot fathom. I can only imagine the anguish he feels and thus through guilt I find my love of him turned against me by my own miswired mind.

I speak to him often and openly about my moods and fears regarding all things, not just my health, and despite my lingering disbelief in such kindness being true, he not only helps me but accepts me, juke-box-brain and all.

For anyone suffering from this condition which, in my own opinion, makes period cramps look like a flick on the arm, I can recommend only heat against the worst area, regular and open conversations with your health professional, someone who you can be open with without feeling like a drama queen and a lot of rest. Of course I am not medical expert or expert of any kind but if that advice should help even one person I consider it worth my time and worth yours should you be reading.

The main issue with the pain, beyond the physical, is the way it sinks into your life, slinking from on aspect to another before planning your day becomes impossible against the likelihood of a 'bad day'. The worst parts are the restriction, the frustration at simple gestures becoming as delicate as a spinal tap. It begins to feel like an enemy within, each day a battle of blood and gore against body and mind. I admit now I felt held hostage, helpless at first and too overcome by the diagnosis to care to try and fight yet another condition for what could possibly be the rest of my life. It was hard and remains hard still to get out of bed, to try for a walk but even the smallest act is a victory you must allow yourself. The main issue with this was my own head and I advise anyone experiencing this condition to consider the possibility of finding someone to speak to, not about history or the weather, well, not just those things but someone with whom you can unload the thoughts that spread as easy as that misplaced gore within.

I guess this has been a particularly focused ramble and should you find no interest in this subject I offer the minimal response to remain polite. Of course I have bias but it is a condition that afflicts a great number of people and although not lethal, it is a horror I would wish upon no one.

If you want to know more just go to Google and search endometriosis, I did the same beyond my doctor's words. In later posts I will explain the painkiller issue I personally find due to a history of injury, operations and a little smoke here and there.

For now, peace to all.

Don't let the gore get you down.


✨✨✨

The new year is upon us... don't panic

Hello and a happy new year to all!

It has come, the next year, the time of resolutions and empty promises to ourselves. The turkey now eaten, driving its consumers to mad panics amongst the sales. The temperature drops and the merriment begins to drift...

Surprisingly I find myself not amongst those despairing for the holiday's end or thrashing my way through aisles of chaos for things I have not yet known but must buy for the sake of savings. Perhaps it is the lack of turkey consumption (we had chicken) or perhaps this is growing up for me as I stand before 2016 only four months into my twenty-sixth year. Most may assume these hint towards a definite absence of Christmas cheer but if anything this has been one of the best Christmases I have crossed, so far.

Away from blood and friends I chose my best friend and other half to spend the day with, the two of us welcoming a calm atmosphere jostled only for my joy of cooking. We had the usual trimmings, stuffing and pigs in blankets, roast potatoes and veg, gravy, rolls and enough options for dessert to leave even me unsure which to take.

But that is not the point of this post, simply a review of that big red-gold-green day. This is about moving on as a person by sticking to this habit of electrical confession, a peculiar little corner for me by me for the sake of me. I was struck low during the merry hours and if purging my skull may aid my health I ought to give it a go right?

So for the new year, if you have read my previous post, you may have vague ideas about what resolutions I may adopt but I'm sad (not really) to say you are waaaay off. This year instead of breakable vows to abstain from one pleasure or another I have chosen instead a list of aims to reach by the waning of this fresh new year. And what are they I hear you ponder? Even if you aren't pondering here they go....

- At least one post per fortnight for blog
- Read list of books (there are eight and they shall arise in conversation elsewhere)
- See Suicide Squad in the cinema
- See the new HP movie in the cinema (if you don't know it this blog may eventually, if it hasn't already, annoy or bore you.)(P.S I'm a Slytherin)
- Have an exhibition for my creations
- Draw map of the fictional town from my work
- Finish at least one short story
- Draw pictures of fictional town and relevants
- Go on holiday
- Create file of fictional town people and relevants (yes I know its not a real word)
- Learn how to knit
- Practice recipes (and obviously share them and their results regardless of success)
- Start up tarot once more
- Study crystals
- Sort out therapy/treatment and coping plan for endometriosis

TADA!

This blog obviously fulfilling the latter for the sake of a regardless mental cleansing so you are effectively reading my brain floss and those more energetic thoughts that get me moving.

To end, I am new to this but should you have read so far, go you! I like you, you can stay.

Once more for the latecomers...

Happy new year to one and all, may it bring you every happiness and health.


✨✨